Good evening, may I speak with...

If you’re like me, and most of your friends have given up on calling, because you screen your calls, or because you never agree to go out anywhere, then probably most of your incoming calls will be from telemarketers. My boyfriend has solved and perpetuated this phenomenon, he never answers the phone. One friend instructs telemarketers and weirdoes, which may strike some readers as redundant, to hang up during her telephone answering machine message. All others may begin to speak so that she can identify the voice, and then make an informed decision.

There is no reason for so much dread and trepidation. They call because they have something they want to offer you, a gift, kind of. And they are people persons, after all. Who else but a people person would agree to call strangers and talk to them, or read to them? But wouldn’t taking such a call be a little less immediately off-putting if they tried a tiny bit harder to pronounce our names correctly? I’ll concede that my name is not phonetically spelled, and it does amuse to be addressed as Miss Simile. My standard reply is "Sorry no one here by THAT name.". Or "That’s not how I pronounce it, try again". But I’d hate for people to pick up my bad habits, so here’s a better way.

Instead of "No thank you, no thank you, no thank you….", which we all know doesn’t work, treat them as you would a friend, a friend calling long distance . Engage them in a little friendly chit chat. Oh sure this may break their rhythm, cause them to lose their place in the script. But you’re an individual and you deserve to be treated as such. They’ll soon forget they were trying to sell you something when they realize that you are genuinely interested in them. "Where are you calling from?" is always a good icebreaker, although their location may be apparent from their accent. "What time is it there is my favorite follow-up query, for telemarketers or anyone at the other end of my phone, local or otherwise.

By now they should be trying to conclude the phone call. If you are lucky and fast you might get a couple of closers in. "Is it the beginning or the end of your shift?" I like to vary this with the ever reliable "Yeah, I hate Mondays too". Or "Thank God it’s Friday". material. "What’s your favorite color?" a great utility question that can be used anywhere in your routine. And when you are ready to hear that gratifying phone slam and dial tone, "Did you see Dilbert today"?

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